if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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