I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
