Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
