All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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