I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
