if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I need water and some morals
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