hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
