im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
