One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
