I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
