Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
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Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
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I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.