I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
