You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
thus making me awesome and them whores
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
