I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
