I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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