just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
