my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
