This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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