Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
