Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
