forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
