I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
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Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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