Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
