I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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