If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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