Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
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Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.