yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
