Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
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Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
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You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.