Texts From Last Night

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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
  Replies (37) Good night (3612) Bad night (628)
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  (516): View more from New York

  this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore

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  (516): this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore http://tfl.nu/7h30
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.

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  (787): She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work. http://tfl.nu/8rxz
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
  Replies (51) Good night (2126) Bad night (13597)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

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  (419): I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem. http://tfl.nu/zh9s
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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  (920): sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself. http://tfl.nu/ur25
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  (626): View more from California

  There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

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  (626): There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you. http://tfl.nu/ru1c
  Replies (4) Good night (3133) Bad night (666) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.

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  (910): You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year. http://tfl.nu/jiz9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.

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  (201): There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now. http://tfl.nu/urj5
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose

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  (216): I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose http://tfl.nu/hd86
  Replies (18) Good night (1826) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.

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  (210): Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience. http://tfl.nu/wox2
  Replies (16) Good night (1155) Bad night (609) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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  (908): Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops http://tfl.nu/wq2e
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.

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  (360): Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable. http://tfl.nu/uogv
  Replies (12) Good night (1035) Bad night (373)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee

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  (603): I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee http://tfl.nu/okty
  Replies (1) Good night (500) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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  (306): dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high" http://tfl.nu/ssrm
  Replies (3) Good night (655) Bad night (101) Order T-Shirt

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