i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
