I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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