I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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