Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
