I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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