eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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