Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
