No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
