Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
