I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
