we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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