You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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