Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
