Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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