I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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