Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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