She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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