Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
