god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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