he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
