we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
