I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
