I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
