sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
