Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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