I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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