I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
