I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
