I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
