I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
