If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
