I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
