i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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