I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
